All I Want for Christmas

Dear Santa,

I know you’re quite busy and all dealing with ornery reindeer, keeping Mrs. Claus satisfied, not to mention bringing toys to children around the world, but I’ve been really good this year. I worked hard at school, cleaned my room and most importantly have not been arrested once. So because of my righteous behavior, I thought maybe you could do a few things for me.

First, I’d like you to arrange for the Rams to stop turning the friggin’ ball over. That will allow them to breeze through the NFL playoffs and then dominate the Super Bowl, being recognized as one of the greatest teams of all time. While you’re at it, would you mind having a ball fly astray and smack New Orleans Saints coach Jim Haslett in the mouth for his continuous rants about how tough his third place and as of right now out of the playoffs Saints are?

Second on my list, perhaps you could make sure that someone other than All American, Troy Slaten, senior, on the Mustang basketball team actually get some credit for the teams success. Like E.J. Basta, senior, for instance, who in his second season starting at point guard is among the tops in the city at his position.

Then if it is not too much trouble, I would love it if you could get someone to tell John Madden and Pat Summeral that it is about time to retire. Watching a game those two broadcast is more painful than a root canal. Summeral is so old he can barely see the field, and it’s surprising Madden can stop eating long enough to call the game.

Also, I would love it if you could fit Jason Giambi for his Cardinals uniform.

Then maybe you could remind professional athletes that even though they have huge houses, dozens of cars and girls on request, they still are not above the law. Like former Dallas Cowboys lineman Nate Newton, who was caught in possession of 213 pounds of marijuana. Coincidentally, 213 is roughly the same number, in pounds of bacon, Newton eats a week.

Finally, it would be great if you could have baseball commissioner Bud Selig visited by the ghost of Babe Ruth. Ruth would certainly scare some sense into the ignorant Selig, who wants to contract two baseball teams in the same year as a labor renegotiation. This idea ranks as one of the worst in history along the likes of solar powered flashlights and Clear Pepsi. If you can get Selig to resign that would be even better.

That’s about it, Santa. If any of these things are too much trouble for you, feel free to substitute them with Cameron Diaz being brought to my door.